Writing to My Audience

In addition to that pesky "internal editor" that follows me around, poking me in the ribs every day and telling me I'm a terrible writer, I occasionally become frozen by the fear of what others will think if they ever read something I wrote.

Part of the problem is that I have way too many heroes that I would love to impress and hate to disappoint. I think about my English teacher friends who all have incredible brains and are armed with amazing BS detectors. If my writing is crap, they will catch it faster than anyone else.

Then there are others: former professors, teachers, mentors, friends, and family. I can just imagine showing them my first published book (because of course in my imagination everyone will be so excited about it) and the confused looks that will appear on their faces when they read fart jokes, magic, and scary monsters instead of something a little more thought provoking. Like, you know, something a mature adult in her thirties would be expected to write.

A few weeks ago, while banging my head on my keyboard and wallowing in the misery of writing a literary novel I'd been working on since July, I had an epiphany: I am terrible at writing literary fiction. I just don't have the skills to do it. I can critique it all day long, but I can't create it. Not well, anyway. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

And then I remembered my teaching days, shut up in a remedial reading classroom with seventh, eighth and ninth graders who hated reading only slightly more than they hated me (I realize that sounds quite negative, but bear with me). I taught students who's primary experiences with reading had been the humiliation of reading out loud, comprehension testing, timed readings, and misery. All of their associations with books were negative.

I struggled finding fun and interesting material for them to read. So much so, that in my frustration, it actually became easier to write my own short stories tailored to their specific needs and interests.

I can't tell you what it felt like to hear my kids who hated reading, who struggled with it and despised it, giggle and snort over something silly I put in my stories.

It was fun.
It was thrilling.
It was fulfilling.
It's the reason I want to be a writer.

And I can't let myself forget it.

I took a break from my literary novel and started writing something new-- something I would have written for my students-- something completely ridiculous and fun.

I guess what I'm saying is, when everyone I know reads my first book and thinks to themselves, "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever read" if they finish that thought with the phrase "...but for some stupid reason my kids/students love it" then I will know I've done all right for a first timer.